I never in a million years thought I’d be calling myself a motherless mom but that’s what I am. A motherless mom.
My whole world was rocked when my healthy 53 year old mom had passed away suddenly. I had to learn how to be a mom without mine. It is and probably always will be my biggest fear.
About 7 years ago, Labor Day weekend I got that call. My mom had collapsed and no one knew until she was rushed to the ER that she had suffered from a traumatic brain aneurysm. After hours of surgery, days of waiting for swelling to go down and weeks of showing no signs of recovery she passed peacefully on the night of September 20th.
I was heartbroken. I looked at my then six month old only daughter and fear set in.
Right then, I became a motherless mom and I felt lonely.
“How can I do this without her?”, I kept asking my husband that every single day for about a month. It was hard enough that we lived so far apart, now I can’t even talk to her. I kept thinking about my daughter, how I was going to one day explain what an amazingly caring Grammie she had.
It never becomes easier, it becomes different.
As the years went on and we added each of our son’s to our family the feeling always came back. I would never do my mom justice by telling these kids about her. What she would have given to be down here in Florida with us, helping and watching these kids grow up. I am still angry but it has given me strength I never knew existed.
On a daily basis I have that empty feeling but I know what she taught me will always be with me. I took the little things I loved most about what my mom did for us as kids and do them for my kids. Her Christmas cookies are always made each year. The witch that came on Halloween while we were in school to leave us a scavenger hunt comes to our house too. Special notes are placed in my children’s lunch boxes to show them I am thinking about them.
It all came full circle. As kids, we don’t always see everything that mom’s do. As you get older and have your own, you realize how special those moments really were. On days where my kids are acting up, I catch myself saying the exact same thing, in the same tone and I can hear her voice. “One day you will have a child and you will understand. I told you so”. I’m sure if she were here she would be laughing at all of those I told you so moments.
I get it now that I am a mom, I just wish I had the opportunity to say thank you for teaching me how to be the best mom I could be without even knowing it.
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